I've called a 'time-out' for a little while.
So it's now Thursday and on Saturday night my body hit a wall (not literally). I had been out for the evening and for the first time in months I collapsed in bed, I was aching all over and so exhausted. But not 'normal person' exhausted, CFS exhausted. I have been in bed since Sunday, I pushed myself to go to church which was abit stupid but I was trying to fight it.
Not very sensible.
It's quite weird being back in bed, I'm too fatigued to leave the house, this was my life for so long but I had put that behind me.
I am hoping I will be back to my 'normal' self soon, but I think it has been a warning, I have been very busy and stressed lately, it's God way of giving me a gentle reminder to listen to my body before I completely end up back at stage one.
I just feel so lucky that I don't feel completely helpless, I know there are things I can be doing to actively speed up this process of getting back to normal.
I am constantly learning new angles on recovery and yes this isn't the best feeling but it's just a small bump in the road and I know exactly what I have to do to get back on track as quickly as possible. I think the key is not to dwell on it and beat myself up "Shouldn't of gone there, shouldn't of done that etc." We could do that all day but it won't help me move forward.
However, I can look back over the last month and feel abit stupid, I should of seen this coming. I had tonsillitis (warning no.1 to calm down). I then had to skip a seminar because of fatigue 2 weeks ago (warning no.2) and this time I think I ran out of warnings.
My punishment - a reminder of my old life and being forced to review my energy levels.
I feel really bad having to let people down, cancelling plans with friends and not being able to go to things but I have to put myself first right now. I did have such a fun weekend planned, I was going to London for a long weekend to visit friends, get all dressed up with the girls and go to the races. On Monday I had a conference (which I was weirdly way too excited for - it was a full day with Dr Myhill, the CFS specialist talking about recovery & detoxing. I'm just abit of a geek).
Theres always time for all that.
I will hold my hands up and admit this probably was my fault but I have learnt from it:
- At times like this you really realise you have pretty amazing friends and family. They are all so understanding, loving & supportive. It was my best friends birthday yesterday and we had plans for a lovely lunch & spa day, which obviously had to be cancelled, she just came over and spend the day with me watching DVDs - thats a pretty special friend. A simple text to see how I am makes me smile and remind me people care.
- I have been reminded not to let stress and situations get to me. I am the biggest stress head when something is worrying or bugging me, that needs to stop.
- Rethink and remember my priorities - it has to be my health, if I loose that everything else crumbles.
- I can't take my new found health for granted, I hate when I do that! I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be in a state of recovery and I've worked hard to build a life outside of this illness but I need to remember where I have come from.
- Don't be too hard on myself. I always push myself and beat myself up when I can't do something.
- I know God is giving me a warning before I burn out and I don't know where I would be without my faith and the people God has brought into my life.
For now, I need to rest, load up on nutrients & all the good stuff, watch too many films, read too many books & cuddle my Cockapoos. Currently just trying to ignore the exam I have in 9 days.
I have these two babes to look after me. It was Poppy's 4th birthday this month. She doesn't look too happy about it.
I watch too many chick flicks
Movie day in bed with my PJs, doggies & teddies
It's like anyone who works hard and has determination to reach their goals, we all hit obstacles and have to take detours. I will reach those goals soon. It just may take a little longer.
Hope you are all as well as possible and enjoying the sun :)
Bekz xoxo
Instagram & tweet me: bekz24
