My Journey with CFS

My Personal Journey

I used to be very embarrassed and didn't tell anyone I went to see a psychologist. In total I had sessions with her on and off for about 3 years and this is my story about battling depression...

I was in the depth of my depression when I was about 19, a year into another serious relapse, all my friends were enjoying uni, I wasn't getting any better and I had given up I guess. As an idea I was dead against it, I didn't want to talk to some random person about the anger, upset, hurt, frustrations I felt. They probably wouldn't have CFS so how would they understand or help me in anyway!
My parents did some research and found a recommended psychologist in Manchester city centre, she worked with people with chronic illnesses. One night I remember my thoughts had become so dark there was only one way I was going, so I decided to tell my mum to book an appointment. I was far from happy about it but I guess it was worth a shot to meet with her.

The first session I clicked with her instantly, everything I felt inside I poured out to her and I knew it was all in confidence, she by law is not allowed to mention anything I say to her outside of that room. It was very comfortable and I cried (alot) but I felt better somehow after the hour was done. I then went back the week after, and continued to go weekly for a few months until it got to every other week. She used 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' which is what most psychologists will use to change our unhelpful thinking.

We put together a plan, at the time I wouldn't leave the house due to severe depression and anxiety, my mum once took me to Tesco in the car, we both knew I wouldn't go in but I went for the ride and to get out the house. I sat in the car and cried because I was so scared for people to see me looking so poorly. My aim with my psychologist was to walk into Tesco and buy a loaf of bread - I laughed at her, that's never going to happen. She set me homework each week and sure enough I went into Tesco and bought that loaf of bread eventually. I continued to have sessions with her but they slowly grew further and further apart.

Right now I haven't seen her in over 12 months because she has taught me the tools to use everyday to cope with this illness when it's so easy to think negatively! Whatever issue pops up I can use what she taught me on a very practical level. Some simple techniques.
Without that help I wouldn't be as well as i am now and have the complete determination to beat this illness for good. I have the knowledge and confidence to move forward each day.

We may never be 'cured' from this illness, so my view is we need to change how we view ourselves with this label. That's exactly what CBT does, it works to change our ideas and perspectives on the illness and struggles we cannot change.

Depression

Depression has such a big stigma attached to it, but its near impossible to have a chronic illness and not suffer with some type of depression, whether it's for a few weeks or a few years. It's a natural response to how we feel stuck in a body which at times is a horrible place to be. Alot of people have a hard time understanding depression, anxiety and low mood, they say "Snap out of it" or "Pull yourself together" they may not realise it is the hormones within our brains not working properly. If it was so simple why would we not 'Snap out of it'. To admit there is a problem and to seek help is a very brave thing to do and sometimes it's the only way to move forwards with negative thinking patterns.

I could be slightly controversial here, however, I was already on anti-depressants when I sought help but my personal opinion now is anti-depressants can help you deal with the depression/low mood but also they can mask the rooted reason, until the issues are dealt I knew I would always struggle.

To this day I would say I was a positive person, I aim to see the good in everyone and any situation. If I have a bad day instead of "Oh I will never get better, another bad day of feeling so fatigued. This illness stops me from doing everything, it ruins my life and people will be annoyed I couldn't make it in today". Instead its much more helpful and kind to just think "Yes OK a bad day, but the good days far outweighs the bad days. Perhaps it's an opportunity to allow my body to get some good rest, stock up on nutrients and relax, feeling much better for the coming days. People will understand and if not it's a great opportunity to educate them." I try not to beat myself up too much, of course sometimes I do because I'm that type of personality but we need to be loving to our bodies.

The power of positive thinking is amazing, it can bring great reward.

I set you one challenge, (this helped me enormously).
Write down or just think of 3 positive things a day, everyday. They don't have to be massive or anything special, it could be "I had a great chat with a friend" or "The sun came out" or "My favourite song came on the radio". Slowly over time I noticed there actually is good things all around us even when we don't notice.

Two very important points to mention-

If you do think you are depressed then do visit your local GP or tell someone.
Also, I feel it is very important to find a good psychologist. Someone you gel with and someone you feel comfortable with, this may take time but persevere.

Sorry it wasn't a very cheery post but I have said before this is a very honest blog.

It is the honest truth behind living with a chronic illness. These issues need to be highlighted and spoken about.

Hope this finds you on a good day

Lots of love Becks xoxo

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The second part to the CFS triangle is the mind. In other words, how do we think about our illness and our attitudes towards it, or life in general. This topic is far too vast for me to cover so I will highlight a few key things I personally struggle with and you may all agree.

I have put it into sections, this first one will focus on stress.

Then to follow I have written a post on depression and my personal journey, then a final post on happiness and goals.

Stress

Some of the top Chronic Fatigue specialists would argue stress is the first most important thing which stops the body from healing, therefore it is the first thing we need to be aware of and work on.

"There is an innate connection between mind and the body. Whatever you hold in your mind will be produced in the physical body. Any ill feeling or bitterness towards another person, intense passion, long-standing envy or corroding anxiety, fits of hot temper, all actually destroy the cells of the body and induce disease of the heart, liver, kidneys, spleen, stomach etc. Worry and stress have caused nervous breakdowns and cancer." - Healing Mind. Healing Body - Debbie Shapiro

Our bodies living with a chronic illness are in a constant state of hyper alert. From the trauma and anxiety this illness brings to our bodies the nervous system can go into a state of hyper alert.

There is something called the fight/flight mode whereby if we were confronted by a lion our body would go into survival mode and our digestion, kidneys, immune system, memory all shut down so we can have all the energy available to fight off this lion and run away from it. This is a short period of acute intense stress but then your body would go back to normal.

Patients with CFS are in this state of chronic stress constantly as apposed to a healing state. We need our immune system to fight against infections, we need our digestive system to be working optimally to digest and absorb all the nutrients we feed ourselves in order to get energy to the cells. We want our memory to be working properly so we don't have brain fog all the time!!

An easy brief way to test if we are 'stressed' is if we are in room temperature and we put our hands next to our face they should be the same temperature. I suffer with really cold hands and feet, a classic sign my blood supply is compromised.

We are in a vicious circle, we became stressed in the first place because we were ill and now we can't get better because we are in a permanent state of stress!

I'm do worry and I'm very mindful about pushing my body too much, "If I go out tonight I will be ill tomorrow" or "Exam time will make me ill because it's so stressful and the stress will make me ill".

In those situations it's again about being kind to our bodies, yes go out tonight if you feel up to it, if you begin to feel unwell go home and whatever happens tomorrow we'll deal with it when it comes. There is nothing to be gained from trying to predict the future and worrying about it.

Relaxation/Meditation/Guided Visualisation

To try to release yourself from this state, I found relaxation or meditation really helpful. Your probably thinking "All I do all day is relax I have CFS" I don't mean relax and watch a DVD or read a book, I mean relax in a silent room, lying on the bed or the sofa with no stimulations.

To begin, close your eyes and become very aware of your breathing and your body, how it feels. Try to relax into the bed or sofa. Try to not let your mind wander, if it does bring it back to thinking about your body and your breathing. Don't try to control your breath in any way, let it be very natural. As you lay there you will notice your breath will naturally slow down and there can even be a pause between the in and out breath.

If you manage this for 30 minutes a day that is absolutely ideal because for those 30 minutes as your body is in a totally relaxed state and not focused on anything else, it has 30 minutes to heal. It has 30 minutes to catch up on working overtime. It is such a kind thing to do for your body.

I will admit i don't manage this everyday, I live in a busy, noisy house and it's not always possible. Don't be harsh with yourself, perhaps 10 minutes is all you can manage it is better than nothing.

I have a few relaxation CDs which I will sometimes put on and I can now become so relaxed, i will naturally fall asleep. It;s well worth buying one, wether it's guided visualisations or just soothing sounds of rain or waterfalls.

I hope this is of some help. Living in such a fast paced world I think we are slow to realise how destructive stress can be.

Let me know how you get on

Lots of love Becks xoxo

Tweet me: bekz24

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I've called a 'time-out' for a little while.

So it's now Thursday and on Saturday night my body hit a wall (not literally). I had been out for the evening and for the first time in months I collapsed in bed, I was aching all over and so exhausted. But not 'normal person' exhausted, CFS exhausted. I have been in bed since Sunday, I pushed myself to go to church which was abit stupid but I was trying to fight it.

Not very sensible.

It's quite weird being back in bed, I'm too fatigued to leave the house, this was my life for so long but I had put that behind me.

I am hoping I will be back to my 'normal' self soon, but I think it has been a warning, I have been very busy and stressed lately, it's God way of giving me a gentle reminder to listen to my body before I completely end up back at stage one.

I just feel so lucky that I don't feel completely helpless, I know there are things I can be doing to actively speed up this process of getting back to normal.

I am constantly learning new angles on recovery and yes this isn't the best feeling but it's just a small bump in the road and I know exactly what I have to do to get back on track as quickly as possible. I think the key is not to dwell on it and beat myself up "Shouldn't of gone there, shouldn't of done that etc." We could do that all day but it won't help me move forward.

However, I can look back over the last month and feel abit stupid, I should of seen this coming. I had tonsillitis (warning no.1 to calm down). I then had to skip a seminar because of fatigue 2 weeks ago (warning no.2) and this time I think I ran out of warnings.

My punishment - a reminder of my old life and being forced to review my energy levels.

I feel really bad having to let people down, cancelling plans with friends and not being able to go to things but I have to put myself first right now. I did have such a fun weekend planned, I was going to London for a long weekend to visit friends, get all dressed up with the girls and go to the races. On Monday I had a conference (which I was weirdly way too excited for - it was a full day with Dr Myhill, the CFS specialist talking about recovery & detoxing. I'm just abit of a geek).

Theres always time for all that.

I will hold my hands up and admit this probably was my fault but I have learnt from it:

At times like this you really realise you have pretty amazing friends and family. They are all so understanding, loving & supportive. It was my best friends birthday yesterday and we had plans for a lovely lunch & spa day, which obviously had to be cancelled, she just came over and spend the day with me watching DVDs - thats a pretty special friend. A simple text to see how I am makes me smile and remind me people care.
I have been reminded not to let stress and situations get to me. I am the biggest stress head when something is worrying or bugging me, that needs to stop.
Rethink and remember my priorities - it has to be my health, if I loose that everything else crumbles.
I can't take my new found health for granted, I hate when I do that! I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be in a state of recovery and I've worked hard to build a life outside of this illness but I need to remember where I have come from.
Don't be too hard on myself. I always push myself and beat myself up when I can't do something.
I know God is giving me a warning before I burn out and I don't know where I would be without my faith and the people God has brought into my life.

For now, I need to rest, load up on nutrients & all the good stuff, watch too many films, read too many books & cuddle my Cockapoos. Currently just trying to ignore the exam I have in 9 days.

I have these two babes to look after me. It was Poppy's 4th birthday this month. She doesn't look too happy about it.

I watch too many chick flicks

Movie day in bed with my PJs, doggies & teddies

It's like anyone who works hard and has determination to reach their goals, we all hit obstacles and have to take detours. I will reach those goals soon. It just may take a little longer.

Hope you are all as well as possible and enjoying the sun :)

Bekz xoxo

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