Saturday 3rd March
18:45pm
I am sat propped up in my dads armchair in the lounge with the window open, desperate for some cold fresh air. I have been enjoying listening to the birds but they have all given up and gone to bed now. I’m just staring blankly out the window alone with only my thoughts.
Yesterday mum took me to the butchers, she drove, we went in for bacon and came home. This one outing led me to the way I am feeling now. Throughout the afternoon I could feel myself get worse and worse. By evening I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t talk, only cry.
Unfortunately, this was the only evening I could see Callum – (I have partly moved back to my mum and dads while Callum does his dissertation and mum can care for me to give him a break). I felt awful having him looking after me in that state.
Let me ask you a question… has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever had to help you put your pyjamas on? Take your socks off because you can’t bent down? Hold the cup and straw to your mouth when you want a drink because you don’t have the strength to pick it up yourself & need help being taken to the toilet? He is a wonderfully special person to me & I feel so thankful to have him but I have no idea why he’s still here. Love I guess.
Feb 2011
I’ve been feeling very angry lately, lonely and upset. I’ve begun to question what does my future hold for me & my family? My future with Callum? Will these relapses just continue every 3-5years?
How many times do I have to rebuild my life again?
Rightly or wrongly I have been questioning God on these problems.
Is he testing my strength? My faith?
No I am not one to blame God for our troubles, I find comfort in him and his word and promises.
But I feel very lost as a new Christian at the moment. Going to the service each week as I did is not an option at the moment. I try every week to listen to the upload of the sermon online, but most weeks I cannot understand. My cognitive capacity at the moment is zero. I occasionally listen to chapters from the bible on an ap. on my iPhone but that’s not very often managed. I feel angry my illness can create this feeling of division.
One thing I don’t need to worry/wonder about is what my night will hold for me. Most 21 year olds will be going out for many drinks and good times with friends. My evening will be my mum kindly making my tea and bed by 10 with the 8/23 pills of the days.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day. (And it was a better day).
Becky xox
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